Sweet Serenity

Seeing those turquoise waters from the plane; I was in love with Hawaii already. As I was yawning, stretching, feeling the relief, and then thinking, “we actually made it- that 7-hour flight is over.” That flight was worth it though, since I made this trip to see my niece who lives in Waimea. And come on, it’s practically paradise. But seeing her for the first time in months, it was so surreal. And knowing that she is living her dream, living in Hawaii, and completely happy, that made me feel relief. This trip was my first time to Hawaii, I hadn’t been to a tropical place for three years, when my mom and I went to Nassau, Bahamas for a week. That trip was my first vacation in my life, and I was 26 years old; not really typical for someone’s first vacation to be when they’re close to 30 years old. That’s just what I think anyways. I had spent my whole entire life in Missouri, with an occasional, and I mean occasional trip to the east side of Oklahoma to the casino or to go to a concert, but other than that, I was in Missouri. So, for this trip to Hawaii, to this magical tropical paradise to happen to me, it was a godsend. I cannot tell you enough how bad I needed a release, to break up the monotony in my life, because I felt like I was going to burst.

The all-day traveling worn me out, but not enough to where I’ll miss the sunset at the beach, which was our first stop after leaving to get our car rental. As I was looking down on the beaches from the plane earlier, I started imagining laying on the beach, with the warmth of the sand on my skin, the sun soaking up my winter blues from my home in Missouri and smelling the salt in the air from the ocean that was now just feet away from me. In that moment, I knew the sun was one of my saviors. They do have a saying, “live by the sun, love by the moon.” So, I really started thinking of the purpose of the moon and sun after hearing about that. So, as I come out of my daydream, I notice the sun is starting to go down, how the sand starts to cool off, how everything seems to calm down; my thoughts including. I oh-so dramatically thought about moving here. And yes, that was too soon I thought to myself, but I couldn’t help myself.

My family and I have had our fill on the beach for the evening, so we decide to go to the store to get dinner, and then off to my nieces house to celebrate the rest of the evening. As we did, I was thinking of how positive everyone was, how smooth conversations were going, and simply how serene everything was; I even went away from everyone to go outside and look at the stars, and I noticed how much brighter they were here compared to Missouri. And of course how silent it was; no cicada insects and their loud sounds. Although, I still find something about that insect’s noise at night to be soothing, maybe because its all apart of nature, which is one of my personal joys in life. As I go back inside to join my family to celebrate the rest of the night, we start winding down, then we say our nights. I can’t go to sleep, nor can anyone else that came from Missouri with me, since it is 5 hours behind the current time in Missouri. So we lay awake talking about what we want to do on the island the next day; so many ideas, so little time. We all felt like we had the world in our hands, that this place was magical. Which is true if you want to be realistic. That week we were on vacation there, I felt some emotional healing, my mind had cleared up some, the weight I was carrying around, it didn’t seem as heavy at the end of that week. There is something about that place that soothes, that heals. Still to this day, I dream of Hawaii a few times a week, about being there, and a lot of times about living there. As I said earlier when I was at the beach, I said I wanted to live there. Well, it’s been a year later, and the dreams are still happening. That must mean something.

As we wake, we just couldn’t wait to go out and adventure the island, so we get ready and go do just that. A beach is what we settled on, go figure. I was thinking to myself, “score”, the joys of going on vacation and laying on a beach, doing nothing. I’ll take it. So me and my crew all decided to soak up the sun; of course us girls wanted to be beach bums and just lay on our towels, but the boys went shell hunting. By the end of our sun therapy session, we have decided that people were right when they said the sun is closer to the equator in Hawaii. Hence, you will burn and end up like a lobster in a quarter of the time it takes you to in Missouri. That was an awful lesson, but you know that didn’t happen again. With me anyways. When the boys get back from shell hunting, I was in awe at how beautiful and perfect the shells were that they found. Some were even still alive, and that was so cool in the nature aspect. The sea urchins were odd looking, and I learned that they are toxic if you are bit or stung by them. The takeaway from that part was serious, since they reside on the rocks in the ocean where a lot of people linger by when they snorkel; it’s common for tourist to think to grab onto the rocks to stay close in so the tide doesn’t take them, but that’s where the sea urchins will attack. So, as we end our beach adventure, we go off to shops to see about buying souvenirs. It seemed to be a somewhat relaxed first day on the island. I savored that, compared to the reality in Missouri where I would want to pull my hair out at times. It was in February too, so Missouri was cold and dreary; depression runs thick during those months for me.

As the days went on, we were nearing our departure date, so that in turn made us anxious. Me, I knew I was going to cry when I had to leave this little chunk of heaven on Earth. I saw many places I wanted to go, to see, experience; then I knew that just a week on this island was nowhere near enough time to enjoy the pleasures it had to offer. The Mauna Kea Observatory on the island is a major one. Since I am very intrigued in astronomical things, that place was right up my alley. This place had independent astronomical research facilities, along with large telescope observatories. Now, if that doesn’t sound awesome, I don’t know what else to tell you. To be able to see the entire sky, since there’s a lack of light pollution, you could just imagine what all you could see there. One reason we were unable to go visit that place, was because they were closed due to icy road conditions. Since the elevation was so high, it affected the road conditions that much. I was thinking to myself, maybe soon we can do that. I also wanted to go to the Mauna Loa Volcano site, but those times can vary, since learning that is one of two of the most active volcanoes on Earth. So, one day soon I will visit there. It’s just mind-blowing to learn about this world, what it holds, what it’s capable of. And to think, that this piece of Earth brought me so much joy. I wasn’t doing anything outrageous, nothing expensive either. I was just simply enjoying and exploring one of life’s existences. I was starting to see a potential reality for myself. The break from reality was amazing. Or was it that? It may have just been a change in realities, because there were still financial struggles during the vacation, there were still confrontations, but I was happy. My reality of working full-time, going to school full-time, taking care of my baby bulldog, finances, household chores, and the list goes on, that will still be there. That is just my reality. For the longest time, I never knew what “normal” was. Was it having all of those stresses, the finances, work, school, kids, household chores? Or is “normal” living up to everyone else’s standards? Sure you can go to college after graduating high-school, find a career, marry your mate and have kids. Are you always going to be happy in that normal? That’s not always the case, since we as individuals have different mind sets, souls, and our own feelings. We go through life’s experiences, we grow, we learn, we cry, we laugh, and most importantly, we find who we are and who we want to be.

Hindsight

When one fails to see what they have, or whom, they then see it once it’s vanished. To love after it has gone, is no true love at all. This way of life, this way of seeing, is harsh on ones soul. We must appreciate love, capture it in the moment, seize it. To seize love is victory, to let it go is tragedy.

My Road Trip Out West

Never have I been on a road trip before, but the trip out west was a great experience. We went to Arizona to see the Grand Canyon, Vegas to the strip, and a few other places. To feel the butterflies in my stomach as I sat on the edge of the canyon was food for the soul, and it was quite indescribable. The sight I first saw took my breath away. The Canyon being the biggest hole in the Earth that I had ever laid eyes on before, it really gave me some thought on the beauty of nature and what our world has to offer. As well as my experience so far in life, seeing how so many people do not savor what is in front of them. That the things already physically here on Earth, they are what’s important, or what should be. The simple fact that the beauty of this world can take your breath away, like seeing the love of your life, or witnessing the most beautiful sunset ever; it’s what we live for. The small things in life- ones that are in our lives and what are here on Earth, are just waiting to change our perspective on life, or to even better it.

Reflections

As I sit here after a long day, I think, pray not to dwell, and to simply strive to be happy in the now. The things that happened yesterday are gone; history. The things that may happen tomorrow are mysteries you will soon see. We don’t think about the past until it has slipped from our grip, and we worry about the future way too much when it’s not even in arms reach. In fact, that may be why we have those regrets. We put too much thought into one thing, while we could just let it be and live free. Life could be so much sweeter if we could bring ourselves to live this way.

The night that changed everything.

1-24-09
Late post for 1-24-2019
It’s been 10 years. A long, trying 10 years. But, I’m still here, striving to make the best out of the cards dealt. As the years go by, I learn more and more that the little things need to be held close to the heart. Those little things are the most precious treasures we gather on our journey through life, and nothing can take those away. Not even a spinal cord injury. I’ve learned that there will be bad days, and there most certainly will be some of the greatest days. You see, I’ve been through dark bouts of depression, struggled doing simple things, have had my fair share of bullying, being the butt of alot of people’s jokes- yes, even as an adult I still endure that. It will definitely break you down, make you feel like giving up. But, one of the points in life is to strive to be a better person than you were yesterday, and the number one point is to seek Jesus. We wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for Him. Also, to build yourself up, to grow through pain and hardship. That’s what I plan to continue through life.

My life before
My life now

Hawaii Trip February 2019

My family trip to Hawai’i.
It was fun. I learned useful lessons, as well as some not so useful ones. I also had some disagreements. Which comes with the territory of being on this planet. I took in the sun, hoping it would heal me- that being just a temporary fix of course. Hoping it would make me glow again. I learned that you cannot expect something on the outside to do all the work. A trip does not have the capacity to heal you. The true work comes from within; it’ll show through your smile, the way you love others and the way you glow. Something inside of me ignited on this trip, so I’m determined to feed that fire.